1. I rapped Eminem’s Guilty Conscience at karaoke last night and it went down about as well as a fart in an elevator. Those lyrics that sounded so hilarious to me as a 14 year old just sound inappropriate to me now. It was greeted by silence from the audience. As was my heartfelt rendition of The Drugs Don’t Work. Tough crowd. Tina Turner’s Simply The Best, on the other hand, was a roaring success.
2. I decided last night (while at karaoke) that Theo is the cutest name of all time for a little girl. Feel free to use it.
3. People, listen up: Spontaneity is the spice of life. Don’t be one of those bores who has to have everything planned months in advance. Just say yes. Nothing kills me more than friends who won’t jump off the couch and walk out the door at a moment’s notice.
4. Relationships that start over Facebook and/or text message are destined to fail. All you’re doing is creating unrealistically high expectations of how witty, smooth and intellectual you are. Trust me, you’ll be blown the moment you open your mouth. Set their expectations low and you’ll win every time. Undersell, over deliver!
5. I’m having dinner with Jack Tame tomorrow night! (For those of you who don’t come from New Zealand, Jack is pretty much every Kiwi mother/grandmother’s dream son/grandson-in-law.) What’s the bet he’s off the rails wild in real life?
6. Best article ever. Eric Wilson wins.
7. You know the best thing about New York? The amount of new people you meet every day. It means that you can recycle your jokes countless times and they always sound fresh to your audience. True story.
8. I’m the most skeptical guy in the world when it comes to ghosts, aliens, the 2012 prophecy, faith healing, exorcism and just about anything else that’s hard to prove, but that said, I wholeheartedly believe in star signs. Not horoscopes written by bored journalists, but actual astrology. I’m a fairly classic Gemini. But I didn’t know quite how stereotypical I was until I read this write-up. This stuff is real. I swear to God (also real).
9. This song, forever.
10. Murray Crane was in New York last week and we put the finishing touches on the Spring/Summer Little Brother collection. I don’t want to give too much away, but we’re feeling Jedis, hermits and Berlin circa 1997. Expect hoods, tons of drapery and 15 different shades of black.
I LIKE YOU!