#2146 The facts of life

Photo: Elizabeth Herring

1. Papa Frenchie read my blog post about his gym last week, and since then, he has been personal training me like a pro boxer. Obviously the workouts are brilliant, but the best bit is his endless quotability. Take Saturday, for example: I was doing a set of bench presses when he came and stood over me. “Isaac!” he said in his Puerto Rican accent. “You know, I am psycheeec. I know why you come een here.” With the bar halfway above my chest and shaking, I grunted at him to keep going. “You want to be slender but defined,” he said. “Si, si,” I replied. “But I know what you really want,” he said. Another grunt. “You want to walk een the club and when the girls see you they run over and they say, ‘Isaac you are electrofied!’ And then you tell them, ‘Baby you want some of thees energy, you just gotta plug eet een!'” Amazing. I just about dropped the bar.

2. As I’ve discovered over the past five days, too much time on your hands is kryptonite to success, happiness and productivity. Laziness begets laziness.

3. Girls: If you want to know what guys are really like, read He’s Just Not That Into You and The Game. Trust me.

4. After watching The Descendents, all I want to wear is Hawaiian shirts. Reyn Spooner does them best.

5. You know what the saddest thing ever is? Crying while eating. Your throat constricts, the tears drip into your food and you’re automatically transported back to six-year-old-you, when something devastating happened at the dinner table. I’ve been talking about it a lot this week, but nobody seems to have experienced it before. Surely somebody understands my pain! (This is what it sounds like when thugs cry.)

6. Shout out to my number one sons Sheida and Nic. I miss you guys like crazy.

7. Aucklanders, listen up! What are you doing this Saturday? The Melanoma Foundation is hosting a 12 hour charity concert at Loft on Queen Street that features your favourite Kiwi musicians like Tim Finn and Don McGlashan. Death to Cancer! Get your tickets now!

8. It’s so easy to be one of those people who only halfway commits to anything. If you don’t fully commit, you’ll always walk away unscathed. Don’t try/can’t fail is a bullshit philosophy. Don’t be one of those people.

9. If I’m not listening to hip hop, I pretty much exclusively listen to sad, sad songs. This one by Jay Z crosses over both categories. Listen to it immediately.

10. On Saturday night I went to The Meatball Shop for dinner. When you go to The Meatball Shop for dinner, you always have to wait about 45 minutes for your table. You have three options: Stand in the tiny entrance alongside 10-20 other people who are also waiting (and hating you in case you get a table before them), go somewhere else and wait for a phone call that may or may not come, or stand at the bar. We stood at the bar. I found a space next to a full-on white boy gangsta and said what up. He shook his head and smirked, turned his back on me, then swung back around. “B*tch, don’t say what up to me, you can’t even rap!” I contemplated my options for about two seconds, then tapped him on the shoulder. “Motherf***er WHAT!?” I said. “I can rap!” The next 30 minutes were spent rap-battling/disturbing the peace of our fellow patrons. We went through a good portion of Jay Z and Drake’s back catalogues, got some Kanye in there, a bit of Eminem, Rick Ross and finished with Wayne. He was from North Philly and he’d travelled to New York to try and win back his girlfriend, who was sitting next to him at the bar. The more he rapped, the more she smiled, and by the time I left, they were holding hands. Halfway through my meal, he came over to me and shook my hand. “Yo Isaac dogg, I think it worked, money!” he said. “My girl said she’ll give me a second chance!” I’m still waiting for the day when my impromptu rap skillz get me the girl.


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  1. freena says

    2. Amen sister.
    3. Bought the book for a girlfriend who just didn’t get it. She gets it now.
    4. My dad wears those. He thuggin’.
    5. Blank. Sorry.
    10. You are the coolest guy EVER. Call me.

  2. Guest says

    5. Can totally relate. Usually happens when a relationship issue that hasn’t been addressed comes pouring out over dinner when you’re finally stuck face to face and can’t hold it in anymore…. Eating when crying actually hurts. Worst part is, you never feel like finishing your meal…

  3. Grant says

    Re No 7.

     I just had a freckle cut out of my back. Whities need to go and get their skin checked. My friend, Brian, died of a melanoma. My neighbour’s sister died of melanoma. Rachmaninov died of melanoma. (Who’s Rachmaninov ? Yeah, right.) If you have a melanoma you have about six months to cut it out or there is nothing anyone can do. Tres serieux.

  4. Olivia McCaskill says

    10. that made me giggle like a white kiwi girl. Which I am. Thanks for brightening up my morning. 

    p.s. why DON’T you have a girlfriend yet? You’re witty, bright and seemingly charming… hang out with models all day and have a good sense of fashion. You’re a catch! 

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