1. You know how guys always say ‘No homo’ after saying anything that could be misconstrued as being the least bit gay? My friends and I are trialling a new one out – ‘No hetero’. You say it after anything that could be misconstrued as being the least bit straight. For example: “Woah did you see that girl’s ass? No hetero.” “The game’s on. No hetero.” It also works pretty well to reinforce a statement, lest there be any doubt: “Curled up on the couch with my mates and a big bowl of popcorn, watching The Notebook. No hetero.” “God he’s got good abs. No hetero.” Give it a go. You’ll love it.
2. Not talking in elevators is such a cliche. Elevators are prime times to make new friends – you’re stuck in a tiny space for a short amount of time, so you have to bust out your absolute best work. Never forget: You’re only as good as your weakest opener. (For the record, ‘I think I just farted,’ might make your friends fall to pieces, but it’ll only get you death stares from the other passengers. I found that out the hard way in the Fifth Avenue J Crew elevator last Sunday. And that thing rides super, super slow.)
3. Slagging people off to your friends doesn’t make you look cool, it makes you look like a bitter, twisted, angry little man.
4. However… In the privacy of your own home, if you want to get your friends really good, here’s how you do it: Every time they do or say something stupid, say to them, “That is such a [insert their name here] thing to say.” For example, let’s say my good friend Tom Bull makes a joke and nobody laughs, I’ll rub salt in the wound with, “Suuuuch a Tom Bull joke.” It’s the quickest way to give someone a massive complex. Inception at its absolute best.
5. Also, calling one of your male friends the Johnny Drama of the group works an absolute treat.
6. The best comment I received from a girl on Friday’s post The problem with girls, as highlighted by Girls: “This has been extremely insightful. I am in fact one of those girls letting this sh*t happen. I don’t know what it is that draws us to douche bags. In my case I have been seeing a douche for a year. I know he is one and that I should not be seeing him. He is always wanting to see me but insists he doesn’t want a gf. I am confused as to why because he obviously likes me a lot. It’s not like he has other girls on the go. I think it’s the excitement of it all. He makes me so nervous every time we plan to meet up. Also he is ridiculously attractive. So I see him, then turn into a stupid love sick mess afterwards and swear not to see him again because I like him too much. So I ignore him for weeks on end, until I’m over him just enough to feel like I can see him again. So hard to cut all ties with some one I have fallen for that waaants to see me. Utterly stupid and irrational. I WILL stop this and keep an open mind with the nice guys out there. Thanks Isaac!”
7. The greatest thing about this Bon Jovi song is not that a 21 year old Peter Facinelli (Carlisle Cullen of Twilight fame) stars in the video, but that it’s the most extreme power ballad of all time. Plus, Tom Bull absolutely owns it at karaoke every Tuesday night. No hetero. Listen to it immediately.
8. Look out for a The problem with boys post coming later this week, brought on by not one, not two, but three different ladies whose opinions I respect, who contacted me to tell me that I’ve been way too hasty in my condemnation of the fairer sex. Their concerns and my inherent sexism will all be addressed.
9. Proving that getting involved in other people’s business is never a good call, I just messed up in a big, big way. My friend confided in me that he’d been having problems with his girlfriend for a couple of days. I just ran into her on the street. She also told me they’d been having some problems. I texted my friend and told him what she’d said. Except I sent the text to her instead of him. I am officially a 14 year old girl, and today is not my day.
I LIKE YOU!