Anon asks: I can’t get over my first love. After we broke up, we talked every few days, now he never talks to me. He’s moved on but I’m stuck. When I think of him I feel sick with sadness. I hate that he’s forgotten about me. The thought that I’m not a significant person in his life makes me sick. I don’t tell him this as I don’t want to be the one initiating conversation, but I’ve spent the last two months crying almost every night. It’s affecting my life, making me less motivated to go out. Please help
Hey. Sorry to hear you’re feeling this way. I have a friend in a similar predicament and I’m going to say the same thing to you that I’ve been saying to her for weeks — you’ve gotta help yourself.
First up, you guys did the right thing by cutting contact. When you’re freshly broken up your ex is the last person you should be trying to lean on for support, because he’s the entire reason you’re feeling bad.
Next, nothing good can come from you sitting there imagining how he’s feeling or how much he’s moved on or whether or not he’s forgotten about you. You’re not a mind reader, but even more importantly, what he’s doing now should be the least of your concerns. That might sound completely unrealistic when you’re in the mode of obsessing over him all day every day, but it’s the truth. Do whatever you can to put him out of your mind. You need to focus on yourself and the things that make you happy.
Now, like I said, you have to help yourself. Surround yourself with people who care about you. Do the things you like to do. Go see a therapist — this serves the double benefit of allowing you to say everything you possibly want to say, without making your friends listen to you repeat yourself for weeks on end (don’t forget that they have their problems too).
Finally, if you do all that and you’re still struggling, try CoDa, which is like the Alcoholics Anonymous for people struggling with unhealthy relationships and devastating breakups. The organisation describes itself as, “A fellowship of men and women whose common purpose is to develop healthy relationships.” I have friends in the program and they absolutely swear by it.
Go easy on yourself. This is a difficult time, but I promise it’ll get better.
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