Anon asks: I was in a relationship with a guy at college for two years. I broke up with him because I wasn’t very happy and we argued a lot, but then we moved to the same city and now I really want him back but he doesn’t want a girlfriend. We’ve been hanging out for four months and he says he loves me and sees something happening eventually but right now he needs to concentrate on himself and be selfish without stress. It’s uncertain and I’m constantly anxious. What do I do?
STOP SEEING HIM!
Remember when you were together in college and it wasn’t a happy relationship? That’s exactly how things are going to be if you get back together, because you’re the same person, and he’s the same person.
All you need to do is remember how things actually were when you were together. Don’t focus on the happiness you’d feel if he said, “Okay, I want to be with you,” play the tape forward and imagine what it would really be like a month down the track when the joy has worn off and you’re back to arguing all over again.
Sounds to me like you’re falling into a reverse psychology trap: When you could have him, you didn’t want him, but now that you can’t, you want him.
Also, are you sure you’re not just lonely in this new city and leaning on him for support because he’s somebody you’ve known for a long time?
No matter what the reasoning though, if he’s stringing you along with vague plans for the future but nothing concrete for now, and you’re holding your breath waiting for something to change, then eventually you’re going to suffocate.
If I was you, I’d allow him to concentrate on himself and be selfish without stress and without you waiting around in the wings for him to change his mind. Take control of yourself and get rid of him!
(Read this for tips on getting over him.)
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