Anon asks: Hi Isaac, my boyfriend and I have been together six months and everything is great, minus his ex-girlfriend constantly barraging him with messages. They broke up a month before we got together, and it started with her texting him asking what he’s up to and saying hi, which I had no complaint about, until she started emailing him about living costs in our town and saying she wanted to move here next to him. He didn’t tell me, I found out when I saw the messages. What should I do?
Hey, gidday mate. Are you sure his ex-girlfriend knows she’s his ex-girlfriend?
I could be wrong, but it kinda sounds like this girl thinks she’s still in a relationship with your man. If that’s not the case, it kinda sounds like she’s under the impression that the only reason they broke up was proximity, so if she moves close by, they’re going to get back together.
Those wild suppositions added to the fact that he didn’t tell you any of this and you had to find out by snooping around his phone or computer don’t bode well as far as I’m concerned.
You say that everything is great, but everything can’t be that great if you’re feeling inclined to read through his messages. Right? And you say that the problem is his ex-girlfriend, but messaging is generally a two-way street. If one party doesn’t respond, the other usually gets the hint and stops reaching out.
The other thing that concerns me is that he broke up with his longterm girlfriend then jumped straight into another serious relationship with you within a matter of weeks, giving himself no proper opportunity to get over the breakup.
This is just a theory, but maybe he wasn’t fully over his ex when he got together with you, so he’s held himself back from you, and you’ve felt that, which has made you feel insecure and more inclined to do things like go through his phone. And worry about his ex. And because you’re in love, you don’t want the problem to be with him, so she’s a convenient scapegoat. Like I said, it’s just a theory. (I’ve been on the giving and receiving ends of this scenario. Not fun.)
You need to have a serious, honest conversation with your boyfriend. Ask him if he is over his ex-girlfriend. If he’s not over her, I think you need to walk away from the relationship.
If he is over her, you could tell him that if he wants to give your relationship a proper go, it would help you to feel more secure if he cut contact with his ex. That’s a fair request. I know a lot of people who believe that there is no place for exes in new relationships. Maybe you’re one of them.
Best of luck.
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