Anon asks: Hi Isaac. I started seeing a good friend after confessing we’d both adored each other for years. He said he wanted to be with me; before long though, he was living up to his reputation and treating me like just another random girl. He freaked, ghosted and broke my heart after five months. We cut contact, then a month later he showed up at a party with a new girlfriend and they put on such a show — I feel sick and our friends are shocked! Why would he commit to this girl but not to me?
Hey, gidday mate. It sucks, but you said it yourself: He lived up to his reputation.
You knew who he was, and you got into a relationship with him knowing who he was, and he just went about his usual business with his typical behavior. There are no surprises here.
If I was going to hazard a guess at what his deal is, I’d say that he’s probably somebody who has his defensive walls so high up that nobody’s going to get in. Like everybody else, he loves the idea of relationships, but the reality is not so attractive once he actually gets into one and suddenly feels trapped. ‘What am I doing? This commitment is too much to handle! I didn’t sign up for this!!!’ So he ghosts.
He’s emotionally immature and too scared to open himself up to anybody because vulnerability is his worst nightmare. He’s seen how bad it is when he hurts every girl he dates — why would he want to go through something horrible like that himself??
As for why he showed up to the party with another girl, it’s just another example of how he’s an immature and insensitive child. He doesn’t really have relationships with girls, he collects them as a way to boost his low self esteem and stroke his ego and distract himself from the voices in his head that tell him he sucks.
Trust me when I tell you that if he didn’t commit to you, he’s not going to commit to her, and he won’t commit to anybody else, either. Until he sorts out his crap, anyway. Trust me. You’re not missing out on anything with this one.
So try to put all this into perspective: Don’t mourn the relationship that never was.
Hope that helps.
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