Anon asks: Hey Isaac, I’m 29 and moved to New York City from London four years ago and I love it, EXCEPT: Pretty much every dating experience I’ve had here has been casual or bad. It seems hard to meet guys here who are ready for more, and it feels like such a tough place to find love. I’ve started really feeling anxious about my future here. Do you think it’s crazy to consider moving somewhere that seems to have more of a healthy balance?
Hey, gidday mate! I moved to New York five years ago, and it hasn’t been my experience that people here are only looking for casual relationships. I mean, you’re not, and a lot of my friends are in relationships (and I’m in one), so there are obviously people out there who want something serious.
I think you need to look at how you’re approaching the dating world. If you’re searching for love in bars or on Tinder, I can understand how you might run into guys who are looking for casual sex or non-exclusive dating deals. If you’re not, apologies, I don’t mean to generalize. Just saying.
I also really really really believe that searching for love doesn’t work on any level. Obviously every dating website and app is betting against me, but I’m happy to agree to disagree.
A boyfriend/girlfriend/fiancee/partner/husband/wife isn’t something you can make happen. It happens when it happens. I’d imagine you probably just haven’t met the right dude yet.
Most importantly, it’s my experience that people reveal themselves pretty quickly when you do meet them. Every time I’ve gotten into a dating situation with someone and alarm bells have rung, those early warning signs haven’t gone away. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve often stayed in those relationships wayyyyy past their use-by date, and the results have been unhappy for everybody concerned.
So with that in mind, when you meet the right dude he’s not going to give you weird anxiety or insecurity issues or sleepless nights about whether or not he’s going to call when he says he’s going to call.
That will be the case whether you meet him in New York or London or on holiday in Goa. (Brit lolz.)
Maybe you’ve just been tending towards the same types of guys, and it’s time to rethink who you’re going on dates with. Or better yet, maybe now is the perfect time to take yourself out of the active dating pool and work on yourself.
One of the best pieces of advice my Dad ever gave me was this:
“Become the type of person you would want to be in a relationship with. Exhibit those qualities and you’ll find them mirrored in someone else.”
The work/life/party/dating/whatever balance aspect of New York is a doozy, though, it’s something I think about occasionally too. How do you have kids here? For example. But I love this place with all my heart and I can’t imagine living (or working) anywhere else, so I guess the answer is that you find balance within the madness, or you don’t, and you leave.
The great thing about being adults is that we get to choose our own path! Exciting, isn’t it 🦄
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