Anon asks: Hi Isaac. My long distance relationship ended because he wasn’t willing to commit. We still FaceTime semi-regularly and have a great connection but I want more then he’s offering me. I want him to stay in my life but I don’t know if it’s healthy to settle for breadcrumbs? And if I did decide to stop talking to him a portion of my intention would be because I was wanting him to chase after me and I don’t know if that’s healthy either…
Hey, giddy mate! There’s this philosophy that I try to adhere to that states that it’s easier to act your way to right thinking than it is to think your way into right action. What it means is that if you just go ahead and do the right thing (and continue to do the right thing), at some point your brain/heart will follow suit.
On the extremely simple side, it’s like this: I don’t want to go to the gym, but I know that working out makes me feel better, so I just do it anyway, and every time I do, I feel very happy for what I’ve just done, and eventually it’s just part of my routine.
On the complex side, it’s like this: A few years ago I was OBSESSED with my ex-girlfriend, and I was particularly obsessed with trawling through her Instagram account compulsively and addictively. It made me feel sick and emotionally twisted, but I just HAD TO KNOW what she was up to.
At a certain point, though, I did stop. At the beginning it was like, ‘All you gotta do is go one hour without checking.’ And then it was a day. And then two days. Then a week. Then a month. And guess what happened? At a certain point, I managed to stop caring about what she was up to, and that gave me a bit of mental space to focus on myself and what I was up to, and that felt very powerful and emotionally healthy.
So, as far as your question is concerned, I imagine the best thing for you to do would be to stop talking to him. If he then does reach out to you, all you gotta do is not jump back on the hamster wheel. If he doesn’t reach out to you, then you just keep not talking to him. And believe it or not, before too long you’ll be moving on with your life thinking, ‘Why did I care so much about this in the first place?’
Act your way to right thinking. 100% of the time, it works every time. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but at some point it will kick in. TRUST ME. I KNOW.
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