Anon asks: Isaac! I’m obsessed with stalking my boyfriend’s ex girl. They broke up after two years and she was devastated for months; she even called him in the middle of the night once! I know they were open-ended and kept talking until we began dating, even though he downplays the recency/seriousness of the relationship. I don’t think he has lingering feelings for her but I can’t help feeling threatened/fearful that they’ll get back in contact. It’s been a year of stressing — how can I put this to bed?
Hey, gidday mate. We’ve all been there. Nothing spoils the mood quicker than jealousy (real or imagined).
I’ve been on both sides — obsessively jealous to the point of stealing an ex’s phone and reading all the messages; and talking to exes while I’ve been in relationships either because we were still friends, or because I wanted the attention.
I guess you need to establish a few things. 1. Are they actually talking to each other? 2. If the answer is yes, what’s the nature of their relationship? 3. If it is entirely innocent, why does this bother you so much? 4. Why are you being a crazy stalker???
First things first, there’s nothing to be gained by stalking this girl. NOTHING TO BE GAINED. All it does is perpetuates the crazy. When we give that much attention to something so unhelpful, we’re just taking away from our own productivity and mental stability and happiness.
So with that in mind, if I was you I’d start counting days off the stalking. Get rid of her from your life. She’s done. No looking at her Instagram or Twitter or Googling her name or watching her Snaps or anything else. Give it a rest.
After a while of not giving her so much mental space, you might find that you stop freaking out so much about the potential of something possibly going down. You might even start laughing about the situation.
The other thing I’d do is have a frank and open conversation with your dude. Tell him how you’re feeling. Let him know you have an insecurity about his ex. Be honest.
Without genuine communication, no relationship can ever work. You guys are supposed to be a team, so you should be able to come to him with dilemmas such as these.
But before you talk to him, STOP THE STALKING. It’s important that you get your head screwed on right before the conversation occurs so that you can discuss everything with as much distance from her as possible.
STOP THE STALKING!!!
That is all.
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